Remember how when we were kids (assuming you’re “grown up”), anything even scarcely related to something we could see ourselves doing was sweet? Funny thing is…when you’re small (that’s not what she said), you think you can do anything. Being a pokemon trainer is all but exempt from this. All this meant getting the cards, the game, and yes…even those pokemon complete with friggin sweet pokeballs from Burger King and gold-plated “cards” (also w/pokeballs) from McDonalds. Ahhh, the life of a pokemon trainer. What bliss.

Pokemon Encourages Stealing & EVIL!!!! As fun as it used to be, when I look back, I realize pokemon was so fucked up it wasn’t even funny. I understand how I got caught up in all the shenanigans, but there were a couple things that were just…off…First of all, lets talk about the cards. After my first encounter with a shiny holographic (or “holo”) card from a neighbor’s starter deck, I would never be the same. In fact, I was so compelled, I stole like 15 cards from his deck…and he noticed immediately. He didn’t know it was me since majority of the kids in the neighborhood had handled his cards, but I did feel guilty soon after. So I made sure to “find” most of the lost cards for him before he went in for the day. See, I told you pokemon fucked us up from the start. Fortunately, I don’t have theivish tendencies like that and buy things like regular people, it’s still funny to think about. But let’s move on.

Preacher Thinks Pokemon is the Devil…Rigghttt

Chuck Norris Even Gets In The Mix: I’m not really a big fan of Chuck Norris these days for personal reasons, but I gotta admit, the Chuck Norris jokes are still kind of funny. I mean come on, how could you think of pokemon and NOT Chuck Norris? You don’t, because it’s Chuck Norris, that’s why. Here are some of his cards below.

My First Booster Pack: After exposure to the cards, I ran (keyword, ran) inside to ask if I could join the cult known as pokemon and of course, my parents capitulated to my sudden demands. I wish they still did…but anyways, that very day, we were queued up to raid Toys R’ Us for whatever cards they had. Little did I know, $5.99 “Booster Packs” consisting of 11 cards per booster pack -- 1 rare card, 3 uncommons, and 7 commons. Now me, a gullible kid at the time wanted a Charizard. Obviously, the best logic was to get the booster pack with the Charizard on it, right? DUH. I mean come on, that’s like guaranteed to get me one. My dad, being superstitious a little bit told me to wait, and open it in front of the house instead of in the car…so like an obedient kid, I waited. Finally, the family and I got home to open my new-fangled booster. I opened the pack meticulously, being sure have it set up so I could put the cards back in if I needed to. Flipped through and I saw a pikachu…pikachu…bulbasaur…energy card…then CHARIZARD!!!! LIKE WOH, HOW FUCKING PIMP!!! I was sooo happy, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Ever since, I was the talk of the appartment complex and EVERYONE wanted to trade me. But I said, fuck that shit. I still have it to this day. The video below will show you how happy I was:

Happy Kids + Pokemon Cards & N64 = Loud Mofos

Play By The Rules! The other fucked up thing about pokemon was how in the beginning, no one fucking knew how the hell to play. Like people thought they could double-team my Charizard with a Pikachu and friggin Butterfree…AND WIN. WHAT THE FUCK. But the messed up part was how I technically couldn’t use Charizard anyways because I needed an item card to evolve, the previous evolutions, AND energy cards. Like what the heck was up with energy cards. I SERIOUSLY didn’t get them. After figuring out they power your attacks, it was your job to perfectly balance how many you had in your deck. I believe I went with 15, 16, or 20. I forget. Whatever. Oh, and was there a limit to how many cards you could hold in your hand…? Wait, maybe that was Yugioh. Well, at any rate, I always had a jillion cards in my hand at any given time.

We All Were Dirty Cheaters: I won’t lie, pokemon was a damn good game. It was long as fuck and if for some reason your play save got deleted or you saved wrong (or didn’t save), you pretty much wanted to kill yourself…then start playing again. How many of us lamented over that stupid underground tunnel in the beginning of pokemon red/blue or catching those damn legendary pokemon. Like how many of you tried holding a button down riiiiggghhttttt when the pokeball hit them hoping it would make a difference? I KNOW I did. But the even funnier thing is how majority of the people I knew said fuck all that, and just did the “MissingNo” pokemon cheat at Cinnabar island to get 100 master balls (or 99 rather), and a bunch of rare candies to cheaply level up pokemon. After crap like that, “battling” people was out the damn question. And the daycare…we won’t even go over.

Rock Beats Rock…Wait, Huh? This reminds me, what the hell was up with the whole elements thing?! Like it was all a sham. Really it was. The coolest pokemon were the steel and Psychic ones. Dark was cool too along with light pokemon, but everyone else pretty much sucked. Like honestly, do you know anyone in his or her right mind who REALLY used a fighting pokemon in their lineup??? NO, YOU DON’T. But the stuff that got on my nerves just as much as the amount of types they had, were the weaknesses. Didn’t steel or whatever have a weakness towards plants…? Like seriously…and dark was weak towards fire, I definitely remember that, because I got hella pissed one day. Oh, and who used rock pokemon? No one? Yeah, all these mind games left us all fucked up in the end.

Professor Oak Was A Pediphile & Psycho, And Knew It: I know you all remember Professor Oak! How couldn’t you?! He gave you your first pokemon, “came” when he found out you beat your rival and gave you all sorts of presents for no reason. Then when you were done being his slave and got ALL 151 pokemon INCLUDING Mew…? FUCKING NOTHING. You got a shitty diploma. Like wow. Moving on, his performance in pokemon snap was just as bad. He was demented for suggesting weird contractions to make Electabuzzes shock themselves and make Voltorb KILL ITSELF!!! I thought the Prof was against all that? Apparently not. And he wanted you to take pictures of all this and keep them. I rest my case. Oh, and pokemon didn’t really like him that much, look:

Professor Oak Is Definitely A Sick Bastard

The Show Sucked Balls Too: As a kid, EVERYTHING seems epic even when it isn’t. Like Ash finally getting Charizard to act right, and other boring stuff. And Brock…ohhhhh boy, don’t get me started with Brock. He was like the reverse of a hoe, because at least hoes get some. He didn’t get ANY and tried soooo hard. I don’t think that’s the kind of example kids should be following. I mean, the girls he went after all looked the same anyways. Who were they again? Officer whatever, Nurse Joy…some other broad. Yeah, but Ash was laying it down even though he didn’t even reach puberty yet. One word: backwords. Don’t even get me started about Misty. Like how much of a brat was she? when she became the ordained gym leader….she sucked EVEN MORE. Ash whupped her ass, then went over to 711 to get some money from the ATM. The other gym leaders sucked even worse because when they’d get beat, they’d be ever so happy. Remember Sabrina who was evil and was “freed from a ghost’s spell” after being beat? SHE WAS A DUMBASS. NO SHIT YOU’RE GONNA BE POSSESSED BEING IN A ROOM FULL OF GHOSTS YOU DUMMIE.

The Pokemon REALLY Knew What Was Up

Parting Words

I guess looking back on all of this, I don’t regret partaking in the phenomenon known as pokemon. Not one bit. It was fun, epic, and entertaining…back then. I’m sure everyone else feels the same way. The only unanswered question left is: what was Professor Oak like when he was 20?